Sue's Journal 2
Monday 21st April
40 days after I had started isolating, four weeks after the UK officially ‘locked-down’, I woke up in full panic attack mode. Nightmares. They used to have different themes, now they are based around not being able to get to my daughter, or my dad. My only family, both in London, my 20-year-old daughter is home from Southampton university, staying with her father and siblings, while I am miles away in Wales. This is no doubt the reason. I have been sleeping badly for weeks now, HRT trouble, night sweats dominate my sleeping hours.
Either my lack of sleep, or my nasty start to the day, has awakened my alternative self. Depressed Sue. Anxiety Sue. She is miserable, and I can tell when she is active, as I find myself complaining, or judging. Judging me, and others.
Finally, after 27 years of suffering from depression, and after a four year long, extremely dark episode, the darkest yet, over the last six months or so, I started to feel more like myself. Just Sue. It hasn’t been sudden, it never is on the way up, and it has taken an immense amount of work, but lately I have noticed the ‘Sue days’, are starting to outnumber the ‘depressed Sue days’.
Not this morning. She had me even before I opened my eyes. Nothing in my life has changed from yesterday. No facts have altered. It’s me, I have changed. Yesterday, which was quite a good day, is the same as today. Except, I have swapped the lens in which I see life through, I am looking at the same facts, differently.
Unfortunately, at this point, I haven’t noticed any of this. You see, I am too busy talking and listening to depressed Sue. Worse, I don’t even realise I’m talking to her, she hides in my thoughts. They went something like this:
Depressed Sue (DS) “what an awful dream, I couldn’t get to Ria. You know why that was don’t you?”
Sue “no, why?”
DS “because you are selfish and you moved to Wales, miles away from Ria. You deserted her. She went to university, and you moved out of London. Her home. What a useless mother you are”
Sue “am I?” (*begins to run through all the mistakes made as a parent* time passes)
DS “That’s why she went to her dads. She couldn’t bare to put up with you. Completely inadequate mother. Boring. Useless daughter too. Miserable all the time, just bringing misery and hassle to your dad. In fact, to everyone. Best you are alone.”
Sue “I suppose so” (*begins to think of all the failures in life* time passes)
DS “YOU COMPLETE IDIOT!!! You can’t even get coffee granules in a cup. What is wrong with you? Oh, and well done, coffee down another white top. Why don’t you look after anything! OH MY GOD!! Look at yourself! You look terrible. So old. Thankfully no one has to see you. You are such a failure. No career anymore, managed to mess everything up blah blah blah…”
I think you get the idea. Not only is this internal dialogue a waste of time, its way worse than that, it’s painful. For starters, it has now been proven, that of this constant perpetual thinking, 99% of it has absolutely no benefit.
Think about that for a minute. Only 1% is beneficial, however much time you spend thinking, 99% of it is useless!
For example, there is no point in incessantly worrying about something in the future, sure, think about a problem, and come up with a solution, sure, but if it’s something you cannot control, how does worrying actually help?
Furthermore, while thinking about these things, it is producing real feelings. So, if I start thinking about the death of my mother, that happened 10 years ago, all the feelings from 10 years ago, come flooding back. My thoughts can literally take me to the day she died. The feelings are real. Same if I think of past failures, I again, go through the same feelings that I did at the time.
If I am worrying about my future finances - what would happen? Would I go hungry and cold? Where would I live? - the feelings that this would cause, actually happen! Yet it hasn’t happened yet! Or if you are invited on a night out, worrying about things that could go wrong, what if you say something stupid? What if you are over-dressed? This can produce so much stress, it stops you going, or at least completely ruins the build-up, even if the night turns out to be fantastic. You could have enjoyed the excitement, rather than stress out for a week before.
Thoughts in the brain seem to have no concept of time, so they run like a movie in your brain, producing emotions, just as watching a sad film makes you cry. Like Marley and Me, unless you are dead inside, you cried like a baby, and felt the loss of that dog like it was happening to you.
Today, Sue is back in control. I spoke to my daughter first thing, she called, like she calls every day, because she loves me. I am aware enough to notice if I drift into the past or the future. Days like yesterday are rare. Depressed Sue usually gets caught quite quickly. The secret is to stay in the present. That, and use your brain like you use your left foot. When you need it. You don’t wriggle your left foot, or use it when there is no benefit from it, it just does what you tell it, whenever you need it.
